Finally! My Efforts Have NOT Gone Up In Smoke!

Number of Days without smoking: 9

It’s official. I’ve gotten through what many ex-smokers say is a milestone: 1 week without a cigarette! Unlike the previous week that included a Saturday night relapse, I haven’t given into my cravings at all this past week. It’s been nine days without and my habit is starting to lose its control over me. Before now, my cravings felt overpowering and I had to use all my strength and will power to not succumb. Now, when I have a craving, my rational mind is in charge again rather than my body’s physical withdrawal. I actually get angry at the cravings, thinking, “How dare you show up! You’re not getting the best of me!” And I grab a piece of gum or candy to chew until the craving passes.

I believe the strength of my incentive to quit pushed me through last week (the last two weeks, for that matter). I really wanted the public relations job opening I mentioned in a previous blog. I knew without question that smoking and PR work do not go hand in hand. And not wanting to be associated with smoking—meaning, no hint of the smell anywhere on me, my clothes, my truck, or my furniture—was an immediate nix for my chances at being hired. And now, I got the job!!!!!!!

This cold-turkey has not done withdrawal cold. I have chosen a gradual step-down with Nicoderm CQ patches. I just completed Step 1 (21mg for 2 weeks) and started Step 2 last night (14mg for 2 weeks). I am so happy I took this route because the patch has taken some of the “edge” off the physical withdrawal, making it easier for me to stay in control. However, I have some itching and slight skin irritation where the patch is adhered. I also don’t like the redness and ring of adhesive left behind on my skin when I remove the depleted patch. And because I want to be discreet about quitting, my back looks like a red “patch”-work. But, I think the benefits far outweigh any side effects I’m experiencing.

I’m looking forward to the next week without smoking as I attempt to integrate a regular exercise regimen into my schedule!

Handy Candy for a Cold-Turkey

Aside from a lonely Saturday night setback of two cigarettes over the weekend, I’m on Day 5 without any cigarettes! The cravings have come on often, but they have lessened with each day of not smoking. When the cravings have hit me, I quickly turn to my readily handy, steadfast vice...candy and gum! I have used an assortment of these craving side-steppers and offer the following suggestions for those also preparing to quit smoking or are in the early stages of nicotine withdrawal:

CHEWING GUM: This has been my mainstay vice with packs tucked in my truck console, my purse, on my vanity, and next to the TV remote. I prefer sugarless gum because it doesn’t become hard to chew after 30 minutes, unlike the sugar-based gum (not to mention a lot less calories!). This means that my jaw doesn’t get easily sore, so I can keep resorting to a new piece when a frequent craving begins brewing. The flavor also seems to last much longer with sugarless gum, too. Because I always had an “ashtray” taste in my mouth as a smoker, I prefer the minty gum flavors. But, I keep some fruity flavors on hand to avoid boredom with the mint flavors. Icebreakers’ Ice Cubes sugarless gum from Hershey’s are my favorites because of the texture from the ground candy “crystals” in each piece.

Sugarless Faves: Icebreakers’ Ice Cubes’ “Spearmint” and “Kiwi Watermelon”; Orbit’s “Maui Melon Mint” and “Bubblemint”; Extra’s “Spearmint”.

Sugar-based Faves: Bazooka’s “Original” flavor; Super Bubble Gum's “Original” flavor.

HARD CANDIES: Unlike my chewing gum, I prefer the sugar-based hard candies instead. The flavor is sharper and more satisfying than the sugarless versions of the same candy. And, if I’m getting satisfaction from the sugar-based versions, then I eat fewer at a time—keeping my calorie count down! Hard candies have been ideal for me when watching TV because the flavor stays vibrant and last for several minutes.

Sugar-based Faves: Jolly Rancher “Original Flavors” Candy; LifeSavers’ “Original” flavors; Crème Savers’ “Strawberry & Crème”.

Sugarless-based Faves: Sugar-Free Nips; BreathSavers’ “Wintergreen”; Sugar-Free Werther’s Original.

LOLLIPOPS: As “hard candy on a stick”, lollipops appear to meet not just the oral fixation need of smoking, but also can compensate for the need to keep my hands busy, too. However, I find suckers activity restrictive because of stick hanging out of my mouth. As a smoker, I wasted a lot of time to stay near my lit cigarette and lollipops remind me too much of that habit. However, the lollipops with a soft- candy center are fun when my cravings are extremely strong and I need to attentively refocus my energy.

Sugar-based Faves: Blowpops; Tootsie Pops; Dum Dum Pops.

Sugarless Faves: The generic $1 bags of kid-proof handle lollipops you see at doctor's offices.

Tapering the week

I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. Whew! This new job prospect still has me stoked. I’m making considerable strides in tapering off. I’ve averaged about 3-4 cigarettes a day this last week. I am able to stave off the morning cigarette and have been going for long stretches without smoking. I still hit points in my day (usually late afternoon/evening time) and give in to my cravings. If I want this job, I have to quit smoking. There’s no way around it.

I went clothes shopping for updated business attire. I’ve gained 10 pounds from stress eating, which kind of bummed me out while shopping. I fear how much weight I will gain when I completely quit smoking? Experts say that once a person quits, that person’s metabolism temporarily slows down. Stress is making me exhausted with hopping on the treadmill being the last thing I want to do. I’m hoping that with a new job, my daily routine will adjust and I’ll sleep better (because it’s stressful not working right now as well). Then maybe I’ll have enough energy to exercise and counter the slowed metabolism?

I don’t have much to report this week. But, I’m making progress and haven’t given up!

Taking Charge!

Well, I made it through spring “break” in one piece. The stress levels I’ve been trying to overcome taught me some things about myself. This introspection resulted in me making some tough, but for me, appropriate decisions to attain the goals I’ve set out to achieve. Quitting smoking is among the top of that list because smoking has taken away so many positives from several areas in my life. My post, “Step 1: Contemplation” illustrates just how much my smoking has hindered me.

The priorities in my life right now are quitting smoking, obtaining my Bachelor’s degree, and acquiring experience in my career field. With this being my first semester at Drury, I don’t feel like I’ve taken enough charge of the latter two priorities because I’m still busy adapting to a new school. This has generated enormous stress and, thus, also sabotaged my first priority to quit smoking. So, I’ve made some missteps during my first semester, but a momentary “melt-down” of sorts over spring break drove me to make some serious adjustments.

I didn’t listen to my own intuition when my academic advisor encouraged me to not only enroll in an 8-week block class that also included an online teaching component, but to enroll in two of these structured courses at the same time! Because the rapidly growing trend for education is leaning towards online courses, those that excel in a traditional classroom environment seem like the exception these days rather than the norm? So I felt like an incompetent reject because I couldn’t digest nor keep up with a blended-class work load these last two weeks. Maybe I am weird, but I realized that people learn in different ways and I am a traditional student that learns better in a seated, 16-week class structure.

So, I took charge of my educational path and dropped those two courses. This was a tough decision and even tougher to explain to my core support system of family and friends. I’ve missed out on credit hours that would have completed my degree sooner and I feel like I’m off to a bumpy start towards the next level of my educational goals. But, ultimately, the stress levels have lowered. I am seriously considering changing my major to a business degree and have a longer appointment with my academic advisor next week to create a comprehensive game plan for my remaining semesters. Having a written plan will also do wonders for my stress and motivation levels.

The second hard decision I have made is to stream line the activities I’m involved with outside of school to only include those that are gaining me real experience in my career field. I am making arrangement to end my involvement in a pilot project that I became involved with through my schooling at OTC. The direction the project is taking has changed and no longer meets my career evolvement needs. This was partially my “baby”, but I’m ready to turn it over to those that are more likely to benefit.

I believe in “signs” of sorts—messages or “kudos” from Jesus that I’m making the right choices and I’m getting some added help from Above. Almost instantaneously after making these tough decisions and beginning to tackle them, I got notice of an amazing job opening that has the potential to grow my professional skills in a way I could have never imagined. I’m tailoring my resume for submission and hope the opportunity is granted. This job has a large PR component to it, so I have to acknowledge Jesus for breathing new motivation into my life to quit smoking, ASAP!

The nicotine patch will be back on my arm tomorrow. My car is getting a professional cleaning and I’m going shopping for a new suit this week as I focus on going after this exciting job position. Stress levels are becoming manageable again and I will chart my progress as, once again, I take on my nicotine withdrawal this week!

The Stress Monster

Is it the mid-semester crunch or am I failing to get a grip on my stress levels? Spring break has afforded me no reprieve as I feel like a “chicken running with its head cut off”. I was excited and motivated when I set out on my mission to quit smoking. Now, I’m afraid that motivation is slipping away as I juggle online courses (that has disregarded spring break due to lack of the school’s planning), related homework, deadlines, and other various objectives outside school. Right now, I’m “flying by the seat of pants” to juggle all that I need to get done every day. My mom’s visit this weekend was rushed and wound up not being as pleasant and relaxing as we both would have liked because I am absolutely stressed out!

I’m still searching for a way to build that “margin” into my life that I wrote about in my last blog. Smoking cessation experts say that a person should not choose a quit date during high peaks of stress because of the low success rate. I fall into that category, but I still want to quit? So, how do I get these extreme stress levels under control? And how do I even find the time to back up for a moment and evaluate my work overload? I’m treading water right now, ya’ll? I’m just tackling tasks as they’re thrown at me. Using mindfulness as the tactic to approaching my busy days seems to have gotten lost. Maybe this is just the life of a college student, but it’s freaking me out?!

I want to throw in the towel on trying to quit smoking because I see no end in sight. I’m feeling powerless and completely frustrated! This will be a short blog because I am on overload with no solutions and blogging about my nicotine monster is only adding to the frustrating failure. Let’s hope my next blog is more positive?

Finding My "Breathing" Room

There is not much to report this week. I’m still smoking less than a half a pack a day. From my last blog, I chose to focus on this outcome as progress rather than a total defeat. And I gave myself some small rewards: a cup of frozen yogurt from TCBY, a membership to the YMCA, and I also started re-organizing my catch-all guest room into a meditation and workout room.

My mom is coming into town from St. Louis for a visit this weekend. I’m excited to see her and am going to take the weekend with her as an opportunity to limit my smoking even further. I know she’ll be a great cheerleader!

I think one culprit impeding my progress is my stress levels. I’ve been reading a great book called, Stress Less by Dr. Don Colbert. He offers practical tips on how to lower one’s stress levels through nutrition, proper sleep, exercise, and mindset. He sprinkles in various biblical scripture as it relates to his medical tips. It’s a mind, body, and spirit approach.

I get so caught up in the business of the life that I often find myself ignoring the impact that stress is having on my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I know I’m hitting stress overload when my body starts having itchiness all over with no source, such as dry skin or an allergic reaction to my laundry soap. And tons of lotion, drinking water, and hydrocortisone provide little relief. Over the last two weeks, my legs, arms, and back have started the “phantom” itching, so I know it’s time to pay attention to my stress levels.

One section of his book, “Building ‘Margin’ Into Your Life”, is of particular interest to me. Dr. Colbert states that a person has little or no margin in his or her life when the person has crammed too many obligations into his or her schedule. Consequently, this depletes a person’s energy to engage in the goals that really do matter to him or her. And, thus, stress rises. Reversely, building margin means evaluating my goals, re-prioritizing, and eliminating the tasks that really aren’t relevant to my objectives.

Stress is what keeps me smoking that remaining half pack of cigarettes. By taking the approach of building some more margin into my life (a difficult feat for my type A personality!), my hope is that I can lower my stress levels by creating “room” to breathe. This will be my mission as I do some inner reflection and get some insight this weekend from my favorite mentor—my mom!

The Small Successes

As you know from my last blog, I hit a stumbling block last week. It’s out of my hands and will work out however it works out. I can’t put my energy and focus on it. I have too much in this life that I want to accomplish. So, I’m leaving it like Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big (ladies, you’ll know where I’m coming from with that!).

That being said, have I abstained from smoking? The answer is no. And I have been beating myself up over this answer for a week now. But, a good friend pointed something out to me that I refused to give myself credit for: the small successes.

I’m a perfectionist. And with major goals, I tend to be black and white, all or nothing. Always striving to do better and be better. And I will beat myself up when I fall short of my goal. Yet, as the same good friend points out, I often fail to appreciate the process.

So, that’s what I need to do. I need to acknowledge my accomplishments and recognize them for what they are...progress. For two years, I have only known life as a smoker. So, I need to look at my missteps, but focus more on my successes and appreciate them! So here they are:

• I have cutback, tremendously. I went from smoking over a pack a day to (as of yesterday) only having smoked 4 cigarettes. (Smoked more today only because I’m writing. Progress, none the less.)

• I have changed my routine and broken my hardest habit: the morning cigarette when I wake up.
  
• I have cut back on my caffeine (another trigger) to 1 cup of coffee or tea a day.
  
• I have abstained from the urge to smoke after a meal.
  
• I am currently laundering all my curtains, linens, etc. to limit where I can smoke.
  

I want to leave this week’s blog with the above list. Today, I will recognize my accomplishments. Today, I will appreciate my success and build on that!

The Setback

I believe this particular blog will turn out to be darker than I had wanted to report, but I have attempted to keep my writing raw to remain useful to others. And I will attempt to remain within that framework...

Friends got me spooked on how grouchy I was probably going to be, so I decided to up my patch to the highest nicotine level—realizing, that it may be best for me to go at a slower pace and wean myself from the nicotine over a longer period of time (30-day, gradual step down). I quit smoking on Thursday and did well—chewed gum, Twizzler Pull-and-Peels, and hard candies—stayed busy, rested when time allowed and got through the day. Friday was the same way. However, I noticed the frequency of the cravings as more apparent. But, again, I stayed busy, rested when I could, and chewed lots of gum between my deep breathing.

Day 3 of not smoking became my emotional turning point. Without going into the humiliatingly, sordid details, my boyfriend of 9 months this time (2 years total) and I broke up. No way to repair it. Just over. Now, I was prepared for how to watch TV without smoking and how to gab on the phone without smoking and even how to do my nails without smoking. But, I wasn’t prepared for how to cope with losing my best friend. So, since late Saturday night and up to now, my week has been sprinkled with cigarettes.

After the day-long tears of Sunday wore off—temporarily ceased by a pedicure, pick-me-up, afternoon with girlfriends—I went Monday and Tuesday without smoking. I stayed a strong, determined woman and coped by keeping myself busy and not giving in to the reality of what I had just lost two days prior. But, then, in finally doing some heart to heart talking with my closest girlfriend about what had taken place that weekend, I left her house Tuesday night and bought a pack of cigarettes.

How do women do it? How do they move forward? I want to throw myself in bed and hide under the covers forever. I’m smoking because I don’t know what else to do? He and I are both at fault here, but the reality is that our relationship is unrecoverable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. I’m exhausted and I’m single again. I’m offering my suggestions on how I quit smoking, but I’m wondering from my readers, how do I get myself out of bed and look forward to a new day? There’s a deep, dark void. And I feel like a shell of myself right now.

Tomorrow, I’m going to dust myself off the best I can. Put on another patch. Cry privately when I need to do so. And pray that I heal quickly and that there’s a reason for everything. That’s all I know to do because there’s no instruction manual I’m aware of to cope with this loss, especially while trying to quit smoking?

Step 2: The Game Plan

I have resigned with acceptance that the temporary benefits gained from my smoking no longer outweighs the long-term benefits I could gain in quitting. And I have contemplated, evaluated, and purposefully listed all the reasons I choose to quit smoking in my last two blogs. Knowing I will be out-of-sorts mentally and physically for at least 2-3 days as I experience my own nicotine withdrawal, I have evaluated my schedule and have set Thursday, February 26th as my official quit date.

Many experts recommend setting one’s quite date 7 days out to offer a smoker time to mentally prepare and to create the necessary game plan to help decrease those infamous “nic fit” triggers. I have spent the last four days informing close friends of my quit date (and a link to this blog so they have a better picture of what I’m facing) and doing some minimal tapering of my smoking. I only have 2 more actions to take before I say goodbye to ole “Cig”. First, I need to identify my triggers and create a plan to counter the cravings. Second, I need to decide if I want to use any type of nicotine replacement therapy and, if so, what kind?

Habits don’t go away, they can only be replaced (I think I heard that on Dr. Phil once during my leisure housewife days?). I’m a creature of habit like most, so the best I can do is replace the yucky choice to smoke with some healthier choices. So, just as I listed my reasons (and, thus, later rewards) to quit smoking, here’s my other list in black-and-white (for later reference) that identifies my common triggers and my realistic, countering choices:

Triggers............................................................ New Choice(s)

• Morning wake-up (The hardest trigger for me to overcome!) ......................... Read a daily meditation book and/or hop on my treadmill for 20-30 minutes (layout workout clothes before bed).
• Morning coffee ........................................... Stock up on Diet Mountain Dew and begin slow, tapering-off of my caffeine intake.
• Doing hair and makeup ............................... Have a pack of chewing gum on my vanity, handy.
• Television/movie watching ............................ Don’t sit in my usual spot and have hard candies and fruit handy (grapes, pomegranates, crunchy apples). Work on a puzzle or cross-stitch. Listen to Christian radio or classical music if nothings on the tube.
• Moments of anxiety or stress .............................. Stop. Pray. Deep Breathing. Call someone.
• Computer surfing, writing, and doing my homework ............................ Change work station placement and have hard candy, gum, and fruit handy.
• Social drinking or that evening glass of wine ............................ For the first 30 days, drinking is not an option because of the intense trigger. Club soda and lime (for the playful fizz) or a cherry coke will be my vice.
• Driving in my truck ................................. Gum on my console and a professional car wash and carpet shampoo to deter re-littering.
• Chatting on the phone ............................ Pen and paper handy to doodle on.
• Doing my nails....................... Don’t sit in my usual spot and have hard candies and fruit handy. Listen to relaxing music instead of watching a movie. Go to a professional salon.
• At a party, a night club, or hanging out talking with friends ................Tell trusted friends about my craving and ask for their help in keeping me distracted. Chew gum.
• Arguments with my boyfriend .................. Remember that he’s patient, understanding, and a great cheerleader. Every couple argues at some point and it’s only temporary.
• Eating a meal or a hardy snack ...................... Avoid heavy starches and fried foods for the first 30 days. Do the dishes immediately after eating. Do some deep breathing.

Now I have an action plan and a shopping list for supplies. Notice that I’m also trying to stave off the infamous 10-pound weight-gain usually associated with former smokers as my metabolism goes through a temporary slow-down. Most cravings last approximately 5 minutes, but they occur ridiculously often the first 3 days and occur gradually less annoyingly often over the course of the next 30 days. With the exception of attending a few previously scheduled appointments, I plan to mostly rest the first three days I have quit. This is why it’s important to gather my supplies and have them in position beforehand because my temporary physical and mental shutdown during the first few days may sabotage my success.

The key to my whole plan of attack is to keep my stress and anxiety levels to a minimum. Prayer and the support of friends and family will play a big role in overcoming my old lifestyle. I’m excited, but scared by the anticipation of what may rise ahead.

The final decision is deciding to use nicotine replacement therapy. Today, I have many choices. In my last blog, I mentioned my last attempt at quitting over Christmas vacation. I chose to go “cold-turkey” and didn’t use any replacement therapy. And because I went back to smoking, I now question if that was the best choice for me?

When I quit smoking during my former marriage, I used the nicotine patch at the highest dosage for the first three days to overcome the hardest phase, while combining the patch with the anti-depressant, Wellbutrin. This medication has been FDA-approved as a nicotine replacement tool. However, over time, I noticed the medication actually exacerbated my anxiety levels. But, I had overcome my cravings by this point and so my doctor ceased my use. I’ve also tried the newer medication, Chantix, which acts as a nicotine inhibitor to allow a smoker to overcome the nicotine withdrawal while still smoking with an 80% success rate of making a smoker’s quit date more successful. However, Chantix’s common side-effect of nausea became too difficult for me to continue as I juggled my academic and job schedules. Besides medication, patches, and nicotine gum, holistic approaches such as acupuncture and herbal supplements are also available. For a list of nicotine replacement therapies, one can refer to the book, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Quitting Smoking”.

Though my blog is titled “A Cold-Turkey’s Love Affair”, I have decided to use the Nicoderm CQ Step 3 patch for the first 3-4 days. I am using the lowest dosage because I want the nicotine out of my system relatively quickly, but I also want to avoid a complete and total shock to my body. It takes approximately 72 hours for nicotine to be flushed from the body. So if I use these patches as I described, I should be nicotine-free in approximately 7 days from my quit date. By that point, I should have already moved on from physical withdrawal issues to tackling the psychological withdrawal.

If all goes according to plan, I will share in my next blog how my withdrawal went and some of the rewards I’ve started to gain from my hard work. Wish me luck!

Step 1: Contemplation

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I’ve been in the position of deciding to banish my smoking habit in the past. Quite frankly, I’ve been here many, many, many times. But I’ve always gone back to cigarettes. So, what makes quitting this time any different? I can’t know that until I’m looking back years from now and saying, “Wow, I really quit!” But at the very least, I’m serious and I’m quitting for me, rather than out of pressure from the outside world. Based on the variety of self-help books, internet reading, and numerous smoking cessation courses I’ve taken over the years, the odds of success are on my side. Because, for every time I attempt to quit, I’m one step closer to quitting for good. According to my gathered research over the recent months, I’ve already begun the first step: contemplation.

In this preliminary step of contemplation, I can list all the reasons why as a 33-year old female I should quit. (Note to any current smokers reading this: I will not preach the blah, blah, blah of what it does to your health because I’m sure you’ve already heard it from your doctors 60,000 times—plus one! Note to those that have never smoked: these reasons may be obvious—and smokers are well aware of the negatives—but there’s an acceptance within a smoker who sees the reality of their own list in black and white. Not to mention, a serious list can be a great tool to refer back to as a reminder for why a smoker chose to quit when the nicotine withdrawals are making a smoker loopy!). So here are my personal reasons for wanting to quit smoking:

• I can enjoy a movie at the theater without being distracted by “nic fits”
• I can enter a room before people smell me approaching.
• I don’t have to do the prep work of disguising my habit from a potential employer before an interview or deal with the walk-of-shame for an office smoke-break.
• I can have spontaneous kisses from my boyfriend (an ex-smoker for many years) without doing the hand-washing, teeth brushing, several Tic-Tacs and still worrying if I taste like an ashtray.
• I can avoid having the face of my grandmother when I’m 40.
• I can avoid dying from a traveling blood clot while I’m on my birth control pills. (Ok, so I mentioned a health issue, but I’m nearing the age-threshold when my risk more than doubles. And I still want my reproductive freedom and independence.)
• I can end the feelings of shame when greeted by my boyfriend’s two, susceptible daughters after having returned from smoking outside.
• I can save money that would otherwise go to cigarettes, Altoids, hand-sanitizer, air freshener, and having my ash-littered car professionally vacuumed.
• I can stop sticking out among a group of people after a ghastly, hacking cough.
• I won’t be the one that sneaks away at parties to get in a quick smoke and return to hearing, “Where’s Catherine?”
• If the time ever comes, I don’t want to be the bride on My Big Redneck Wedding.
• I can enjoy the subtleness of my perfume (and avoid the realm of offensiveness!).
• I can quit checking my purse every single time I get ready to pull out of my garage to see if I grabbed my cigarettes.
• I can hear my boyfriend compliment me on the way my hair smells.
• No more burnt couches, carpets, clothes, and even stove tops (yeah, I couldn’t find a lighter!).
• I won’t have to cover wrapped gifts and cards with plastic bags to prevent smoke penetration before I get the chance to deliver them to family and friends.
• I don’t want to die a slow and very painful death from cancer or see my loved ones resentfully say goodbye too soon. (Yes, that, too, was necessary to mention.)
  

That’s my list and the reasons that I have digested during my own contemplation phase. But, these are just reasons (and, God-willing, my eventual rewards). And, as amazing as these motivators can be, they are not enough to make me quit. For, the real and bottom-line, hard fact that I haven’t permanently quit is for one reason and one reason alone—nicotine withdrawal is just plain hellacious!

As many people already know, physical withdrawal from nicotine is very real. From my own experience—as little ago as Christmas 2008 when I quit for seven days—I experienced extreme fatigue, an inability to concentrate, foggy perception, irritability, and extreme anxiety. And just as the physical withdrawal began to subside by the fourth day, the psychological component became more prominent as I seemed to experience almost a sense of mourning for the loss of my habit. And reminders of my “sidekick” (thus, prompting the “nic fits”) were everywhere from the sound of my alarm clock, to drinking my morning coffee, to just wanting to sit and have long chats with my family. I was now at a point in time when I wondered how would I ever get by without the crutch of my nicotine sidekick?

So what was my downfall that returned me to smoking? It was returning home from my Christmas vacation unprepared for the lifestyle adjustments necessary to combat the habits that triggered my cravings. Just when I thought I had armed myself with the support of my mom (an ex-smoker for many years) and also avoided many of the lifestyle triggers—because I was away from home—I hadn’t properly prepared myself to tackle the triggers of life once I did return home.

I will be quitting at home this time, so the next step and the content of my next blog: Creating a game plan to tackle the withdrawal and cravings when I do quit. And those triggers will happen!

I love cigarettes. Somewhere in the politically-correct rulebook this statement is probably taboo, but I don’t care. I love to smoke! I think I would say, I consider my cigarettes like a best friend or like that long-lost love that always seems to show it’s nicotine-laced seduction when I’m at an emotionally vulnerable point in my life.

My tobacco charmer is loyal. He is always there for me when I’m stressed...or bored... or lonely...or when I just want to relax and hang out together over a cup of coffee. My cigarette pack seems to support me in my weight loss goals as I fall vulnerable to being a stress-eating, no-apparent-time-for-exercising student. And my cigarettes even seem to have a muse quality about them because, as a writer, my writing process seems to flow more freely and intrinsically with each puff of that ever-lit love in my hand. My cigarettes love to be consumed. And if I run out, “Cig” is always waiting at the nearest 24/7 store for my convenience.

My “affair” with cigarettes and I go way back. I grew up in a home where both parents openly smoked, when going to a restaurant meant you always had a choice to be seated in smoking or non-smoking. At 17, I found my own relationship with “Cig” as peer-pressure usually made the introductions at parties. By age 18, working full-time in the demanding job of retail management—as a newly graduated high school student and struggling to live on my own—I found my cigarette relationship having evolved into a pack a day. Our relationship continued on through the early days of my dorm-living, collegiate pursuits and then into my dating life with my now ex-husband as both of us smoked—sadly, one of the few things we had in common.

As newlyweds, my husband and I bought our first house together and we didn’t want the lingering scent of “Cig” staining our new investment as it did in our rental days. So, in 2000, he and I (then, 24) banished “Cig” from our lives and quite smoking. Financially, our lives were on the up and up and we turned our first home into a rental and moved to the nicer, east-side of Springfield, MO. My ex was doing well in his job and we had no children, so I started playing the role of Martha Stewart and leisure housewife—nesting, shopping, and at the gym working out every day.

On the outside, life appeared to be great for us. But in reality, something seemed to be missing. And that missing-something began screaming in my heart and spirit louder and louder in the last few years we were married--yet, I was too scared to admit it. To make this long-story short and to avoid sordid details, we very civilly ended our seven-year marriage. And guess who was there to get me through the uprooting of a life and identity I once had with my ex? Of course, my cigarettes! My rebounding love “affair” with cigarettes was back on and in full swing.

Now as a 33-year old, some would call this time in my life a “transition”. Still adjusting to life as a divorcee and financially struggling, I just graduated Summa Cum Laude from OTC with an Associate’s in Business and Marketing—confirming in my heart and spirit that I am capable of independently achieving my own goals. With that milestone done, I’ve begun my Bachelor’s at Drury University and juggling the beginnings of a career. And God-bless my cigarettes for being here to keep me grounded and preventing me from pulling my hair out through it all!

But it seems that with every great love affair, there comes a crossroad—a point when one’s own pursuits become impeded by the lust of the relationship, itself. As I’ve said, I love my tobacco charmer. But as I choose between immediate gratification and true self-fulfillment, I now ask myself, “As much as I love my cigarettes, did they ever really love me back?”