The Setback

I believe this particular blog will turn out to be darker than I had wanted to report, but I have attempted to keep my writing raw to remain useful to others. And I will attempt to remain within that framework...

Friends got me spooked on how grouchy I was probably going to be, so I decided to up my patch to the highest nicotine level—realizing, that it may be best for me to go at a slower pace and wean myself from the nicotine over a longer period of time (30-day, gradual step down). I quit smoking on Thursday and did well—chewed gum, Twizzler Pull-and-Peels, and hard candies—stayed busy, rested when time allowed and got through the day. Friday was the same way. However, I noticed the frequency of the cravings as more apparent. But, again, I stayed busy, rested when I could, and chewed lots of gum between my deep breathing.

Day 3 of not smoking became my emotional turning point. Without going into the humiliatingly, sordid details, my boyfriend of 9 months this time (2 years total) and I broke up. No way to repair it. Just over. Now, I was prepared for how to watch TV without smoking and how to gab on the phone without smoking and even how to do my nails without smoking. But, I wasn’t prepared for how to cope with losing my best friend. So, since late Saturday night and up to now, my week has been sprinkled with cigarettes.

After the day-long tears of Sunday wore off—temporarily ceased by a pedicure, pick-me-up, afternoon with girlfriends—I went Monday and Tuesday without smoking. I stayed a strong, determined woman and coped by keeping myself busy and not giving in to the reality of what I had just lost two days prior. But, then, in finally doing some heart to heart talking with my closest girlfriend about what had taken place that weekend, I left her house Tuesday night and bought a pack of cigarettes.

How do women do it? How do they move forward? I want to throw myself in bed and hide under the covers forever. I’m smoking because I don’t know what else to do? He and I are both at fault here, but the reality is that our relationship is unrecoverable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. I’m exhausted and I’m single again. I’m offering my suggestions on how I quit smoking, but I’m wondering from my readers, how do I get myself out of bed and look forward to a new day? There’s a deep, dark void. And I feel like a shell of myself right now.

Tomorrow, I’m going to dust myself off the best I can. Put on another patch. Cry privately when I need to do so. And pray that I heal quickly and that there’s a reason for everything. That’s all I know to do because there’s no instruction manual I’m aware of to cope with this loss, especially while trying to quit smoking?