The Setback

I believe this particular blog will turn out to be darker than I had wanted to report, but I have attempted to keep my writing raw to remain useful to others. And I will attempt to remain within that framework...

Friends got me spooked on how grouchy I was probably going to be, so I decided to up my patch to the highest nicotine level—realizing, that it may be best for me to go at a slower pace and wean myself from the nicotine over a longer period of time (30-day, gradual step down). I quit smoking on Thursday and did well—chewed gum, Twizzler Pull-and-Peels, and hard candies—stayed busy, rested when time allowed and got through the day. Friday was the same way. However, I noticed the frequency of the cravings as more apparent. But, again, I stayed busy, rested when I could, and chewed lots of gum between my deep breathing.

Day 3 of not smoking became my emotional turning point. Without going into the humiliatingly, sordid details, my boyfriend of 9 months this time (2 years total) and I broke up. No way to repair it. Just over. Now, I was prepared for how to watch TV without smoking and how to gab on the phone without smoking and even how to do my nails without smoking. But, I wasn’t prepared for how to cope with losing my best friend. So, since late Saturday night and up to now, my week has been sprinkled with cigarettes.

After the day-long tears of Sunday wore off—temporarily ceased by a pedicure, pick-me-up, afternoon with girlfriends—I went Monday and Tuesday without smoking. I stayed a strong, determined woman and coped by keeping myself busy and not giving in to the reality of what I had just lost two days prior. But, then, in finally doing some heart to heart talking with my closest girlfriend about what had taken place that weekend, I left her house Tuesday night and bought a pack of cigarettes.

How do women do it? How do they move forward? I want to throw myself in bed and hide under the covers forever. I’m smoking because I don’t know what else to do? He and I are both at fault here, but the reality is that our relationship is unrecoverable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. I’m exhausted and I’m single again. I’m offering my suggestions on how I quit smoking, but I’m wondering from my readers, how do I get myself out of bed and look forward to a new day? There’s a deep, dark void. And I feel like a shell of myself right now.

Tomorrow, I’m going to dust myself off the best I can. Put on another patch. Cry privately when I need to do so. And pray that I heal quickly and that there’s a reason for everything. That’s all I know to do because there’s no instruction manual I’m aware of to cope with this loss, especially while trying to quit smoking?

Step 2: The Game Plan

I have resigned with acceptance that the temporary benefits gained from my smoking no longer outweighs the long-term benefits I could gain in quitting. And I have contemplated, evaluated, and purposefully listed all the reasons I choose to quit smoking in my last two blogs. Knowing I will be out-of-sorts mentally and physically for at least 2-3 days as I experience my own nicotine withdrawal, I have evaluated my schedule and have set Thursday, February 26th as my official quit date.

Many experts recommend setting one’s quite date 7 days out to offer a smoker time to mentally prepare and to create the necessary game plan to help decrease those infamous “nic fit” triggers. I have spent the last four days informing close friends of my quit date (and a link to this blog so they have a better picture of what I’m facing) and doing some minimal tapering of my smoking. I only have 2 more actions to take before I say goodbye to ole “Cig”. First, I need to identify my triggers and create a plan to counter the cravings. Second, I need to decide if I want to use any type of nicotine replacement therapy and, if so, what kind?

Habits don’t go away, they can only be replaced (I think I heard that on Dr. Phil once during my leisure housewife days?). I’m a creature of habit like most, so the best I can do is replace the yucky choice to smoke with some healthier choices. So, just as I listed my reasons (and, thus, later rewards) to quit smoking, here’s my other list in black-and-white (for later reference) that identifies my common triggers and my realistic, countering choices:

Triggers............................................................ New Choice(s)

• Morning wake-up (The hardest trigger for me to overcome!) ......................... Read a daily meditation book and/or hop on my treadmill for 20-30 minutes (layout workout clothes before bed).
• Morning coffee ........................................... Stock up on Diet Mountain Dew and begin slow, tapering-off of my caffeine intake.
• Doing hair and makeup ............................... Have a pack of chewing gum on my vanity, handy.
• Television/movie watching ............................ Don’t sit in my usual spot and have hard candies and fruit handy (grapes, pomegranates, crunchy apples). Work on a puzzle or cross-stitch. Listen to Christian radio or classical music if nothings on the tube.
• Moments of anxiety or stress .............................. Stop. Pray. Deep Breathing. Call someone.
• Computer surfing, writing, and doing my homework ............................ Change work station placement and have hard candy, gum, and fruit handy.
• Social drinking or that evening glass of wine ............................ For the first 30 days, drinking is not an option because of the intense trigger. Club soda and lime (for the playful fizz) or a cherry coke will be my vice.
• Driving in my truck ................................. Gum on my console and a professional car wash and carpet shampoo to deter re-littering.
• Chatting on the phone ............................ Pen and paper handy to doodle on.
• Doing my nails....................... Don’t sit in my usual spot and have hard candies and fruit handy. Listen to relaxing music instead of watching a movie. Go to a professional salon.
• At a party, a night club, or hanging out talking with friends ................Tell trusted friends about my craving and ask for their help in keeping me distracted. Chew gum.
• Arguments with my boyfriend .................. Remember that he’s patient, understanding, and a great cheerleader. Every couple argues at some point and it’s only temporary.
• Eating a meal or a hardy snack ...................... Avoid heavy starches and fried foods for the first 30 days. Do the dishes immediately after eating. Do some deep breathing.

Now I have an action plan and a shopping list for supplies. Notice that I’m also trying to stave off the infamous 10-pound weight-gain usually associated with former smokers as my metabolism goes through a temporary slow-down. Most cravings last approximately 5 minutes, but they occur ridiculously often the first 3 days and occur gradually less annoyingly often over the course of the next 30 days. With the exception of attending a few previously scheduled appointments, I plan to mostly rest the first three days I have quit. This is why it’s important to gather my supplies and have them in position beforehand because my temporary physical and mental shutdown during the first few days may sabotage my success.

The key to my whole plan of attack is to keep my stress and anxiety levels to a minimum. Prayer and the support of friends and family will play a big role in overcoming my old lifestyle. I’m excited, but scared by the anticipation of what may rise ahead.

The final decision is deciding to use nicotine replacement therapy. Today, I have many choices. In my last blog, I mentioned my last attempt at quitting over Christmas vacation. I chose to go “cold-turkey” and didn’t use any replacement therapy. And because I went back to smoking, I now question if that was the best choice for me?

When I quit smoking during my former marriage, I used the nicotine patch at the highest dosage for the first three days to overcome the hardest phase, while combining the patch with the anti-depressant, Wellbutrin. This medication has been FDA-approved as a nicotine replacement tool. However, over time, I noticed the medication actually exacerbated my anxiety levels. But, I had overcome my cravings by this point and so my doctor ceased my use. I’ve also tried the newer medication, Chantix, which acts as a nicotine inhibitor to allow a smoker to overcome the nicotine withdrawal while still smoking with an 80% success rate of making a smoker’s quit date more successful. However, Chantix’s common side-effect of nausea became too difficult for me to continue as I juggled my academic and job schedules. Besides medication, patches, and nicotine gum, holistic approaches such as acupuncture and herbal supplements are also available. For a list of nicotine replacement therapies, one can refer to the book, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Quitting Smoking”.

Though my blog is titled “A Cold-Turkey’s Love Affair”, I have decided to use the Nicoderm CQ Step 3 patch for the first 3-4 days. I am using the lowest dosage because I want the nicotine out of my system relatively quickly, but I also want to avoid a complete and total shock to my body. It takes approximately 72 hours for nicotine to be flushed from the body. So if I use these patches as I described, I should be nicotine-free in approximately 7 days from my quit date. By that point, I should have already moved on from physical withdrawal issues to tackling the psychological withdrawal.

If all goes according to plan, I will share in my next blog how my withdrawal went and some of the rewards I’ve started to gain from my hard work. Wish me luck!

Step 1: Contemplation

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I’ve been in the position of deciding to banish my smoking habit in the past. Quite frankly, I’ve been here many, many, many times. But I’ve always gone back to cigarettes. So, what makes quitting this time any different? I can’t know that until I’m looking back years from now and saying, “Wow, I really quit!” But at the very least, I’m serious and I’m quitting for me, rather than out of pressure from the outside world. Based on the variety of self-help books, internet reading, and numerous smoking cessation courses I’ve taken over the years, the odds of success are on my side. Because, for every time I attempt to quit, I’m one step closer to quitting for good. According to my gathered research over the recent months, I’ve already begun the first step: contemplation.

In this preliminary step of contemplation, I can list all the reasons why as a 33-year old female I should quit. (Note to any current smokers reading this: I will not preach the blah, blah, blah of what it does to your health because I’m sure you’ve already heard it from your doctors 60,000 times—plus one! Note to those that have never smoked: these reasons may be obvious—and smokers are well aware of the negatives—but there’s an acceptance within a smoker who sees the reality of their own list in black and white. Not to mention, a serious list can be a great tool to refer back to as a reminder for why a smoker chose to quit when the nicotine withdrawals are making a smoker loopy!). So here are my personal reasons for wanting to quit smoking:

• I can enjoy a movie at the theater without being distracted by “nic fits”
• I can enter a room before people smell me approaching.
• I don’t have to do the prep work of disguising my habit from a potential employer before an interview or deal with the walk-of-shame for an office smoke-break.
• I can have spontaneous kisses from my boyfriend (an ex-smoker for many years) without doing the hand-washing, teeth brushing, several Tic-Tacs and still worrying if I taste like an ashtray.
• I can avoid having the face of my grandmother when I’m 40.
• I can avoid dying from a traveling blood clot while I’m on my birth control pills. (Ok, so I mentioned a health issue, but I’m nearing the age-threshold when my risk more than doubles. And I still want my reproductive freedom and independence.)
• I can end the feelings of shame when greeted by my boyfriend’s two, susceptible daughters after having returned from smoking outside.
• I can save money that would otherwise go to cigarettes, Altoids, hand-sanitizer, air freshener, and having my ash-littered car professionally vacuumed.
• I can stop sticking out among a group of people after a ghastly, hacking cough.
• I won’t be the one that sneaks away at parties to get in a quick smoke and return to hearing, “Where’s Catherine?”
• If the time ever comes, I don’t want to be the bride on My Big Redneck Wedding.
• I can enjoy the subtleness of my perfume (and avoid the realm of offensiveness!).
• I can quit checking my purse every single time I get ready to pull out of my garage to see if I grabbed my cigarettes.
• I can hear my boyfriend compliment me on the way my hair smells.
• No more burnt couches, carpets, clothes, and even stove tops (yeah, I couldn’t find a lighter!).
• I won’t have to cover wrapped gifts and cards with plastic bags to prevent smoke penetration before I get the chance to deliver them to family and friends.
• I don’t want to die a slow and very painful death from cancer or see my loved ones resentfully say goodbye too soon. (Yes, that, too, was necessary to mention.)
  

That’s my list and the reasons that I have digested during my own contemplation phase. But, these are just reasons (and, God-willing, my eventual rewards). And, as amazing as these motivators can be, they are not enough to make me quit. For, the real and bottom-line, hard fact that I haven’t permanently quit is for one reason and one reason alone—nicotine withdrawal is just plain hellacious!

As many people already know, physical withdrawal from nicotine is very real. From my own experience—as little ago as Christmas 2008 when I quit for seven days—I experienced extreme fatigue, an inability to concentrate, foggy perception, irritability, and extreme anxiety. And just as the physical withdrawal began to subside by the fourth day, the psychological component became more prominent as I seemed to experience almost a sense of mourning for the loss of my habit. And reminders of my “sidekick” (thus, prompting the “nic fits”) were everywhere from the sound of my alarm clock, to drinking my morning coffee, to just wanting to sit and have long chats with my family. I was now at a point in time when I wondered how would I ever get by without the crutch of my nicotine sidekick?

So what was my downfall that returned me to smoking? It was returning home from my Christmas vacation unprepared for the lifestyle adjustments necessary to combat the habits that triggered my cravings. Just when I thought I had armed myself with the support of my mom (an ex-smoker for many years) and also avoided many of the lifestyle triggers—because I was away from home—I hadn’t properly prepared myself to tackle the triggers of life once I did return home.

I will be quitting at home this time, so the next step and the content of my next blog: Creating a game plan to tackle the withdrawal and cravings when I do quit. And those triggers will happen!

I love cigarettes. Somewhere in the politically-correct rulebook this statement is probably taboo, but I don’t care. I love to smoke! I think I would say, I consider my cigarettes like a best friend or like that long-lost love that always seems to show it’s nicotine-laced seduction when I’m at an emotionally vulnerable point in my life.

My tobacco charmer is loyal. He is always there for me when I’m stressed...or bored... or lonely...or when I just want to relax and hang out together over a cup of coffee. My cigarette pack seems to support me in my weight loss goals as I fall vulnerable to being a stress-eating, no-apparent-time-for-exercising student. And my cigarettes even seem to have a muse quality about them because, as a writer, my writing process seems to flow more freely and intrinsically with each puff of that ever-lit love in my hand. My cigarettes love to be consumed. And if I run out, “Cig” is always waiting at the nearest 24/7 store for my convenience.

My “affair” with cigarettes and I go way back. I grew up in a home where both parents openly smoked, when going to a restaurant meant you always had a choice to be seated in smoking or non-smoking. At 17, I found my own relationship with “Cig” as peer-pressure usually made the introductions at parties. By age 18, working full-time in the demanding job of retail management—as a newly graduated high school student and struggling to live on my own—I found my cigarette relationship having evolved into a pack a day. Our relationship continued on through the early days of my dorm-living, collegiate pursuits and then into my dating life with my now ex-husband as both of us smoked—sadly, one of the few things we had in common.

As newlyweds, my husband and I bought our first house together and we didn’t want the lingering scent of “Cig” staining our new investment as it did in our rental days. So, in 2000, he and I (then, 24) banished “Cig” from our lives and quite smoking. Financially, our lives were on the up and up and we turned our first home into a rental and moved to the nicer, east-side of Springfield, MO. My ex was doing well in his job and we had no children, so I started playing the role of Martha Stewart and leisure housewife—nesting, shopping, and at the gym working out every day.

On the outside, life appeared to be great for us. But in reality, something seemed to be missing. And that missing-something began screaming in my heart and spirit louder and louder in the last few years we were married--yet, I was too scared to admit it. To make this long-story short and to avoid sordid details, we very civilly ended our seven-year marriage. And guess who was there to get me through the uprooting of a life and identity I once had with my ex? Of course, my cigarettes! My rebounding love “affair” with cigarettes was back on and in full swing.

Now as a 33-year old, some would call this time in my life a “transition”. Still adjusting to life as a divorcee and financially struggling, I just graduated Summa Cum Laude from OTC with an Associate’s in Business and Marketing—confirming in my heart and spirit that I am capable of independently achieving my own goals. With that milestone done, I’ve begun my Bachelor’s at Drury University and juggling the beginnings of a career. And God-bless my cigarettes for being here to keep me grounded and preventing me from pulling my hair out through it all!

But it seems that with every great love affair, there comes a crossroad—a point when one’s own pursuits become impeded by the lust of the relationship, itself. As I’ve said, I love my tobacco charmer. But as I choose between immediate gratification and true self-fulfillment, I now ask myself, “As much as I love my cigarettes, did they ever really love me back?”