Well, I made it through spring “break” in one piece. The stress levels I’ve been trying to overcome taught me some things about myself. This introspection resulted in me making some tough, but for me, appropriate decisions to attain the goals I’ve set out to achieve. Quitting smoking is among the top of that list because smoking has taken away so many positives from several areas in my life. My post, “Step 1: Contemplation” illustrates just how much my smoking has hindered me.
The priorities in my life right now are quitting smoking, obtaining my Bachelor’s degree, and acquiring experience in my career field. With this being my first semester at Drury, I don’t feel like I’ve taken enough charge of the latter two priorities because I’m still busy adapting to a new school. This has generated enormous stress and, thus, also sabotaged my first priority to quit smoking. So, I’ve made some missteps during my first semester, but a momentary “melt-down” of sorts over spring break drove me to make some serious adjustments.
I didn’t listen to my own intuition when my academic advisor encouraged me to not only enroll in an 8-week block class that also included an online teaching component, but to enroll in two of these structured courses at the same time! Because the rapidly growing trend for education is leaning towards online courses, those that excel in a traditional classroom environment seem like the exception these days rather than the norm? So I felt like an incompetent reject because I couldn’t digest nor keep up with a blended-class work load these last two weeks. Maybe I am weird, but I realized that people learn in different ways and I am a traditional student that learns better in a seated, 16-week class structure.
So, I took charge of my educational path and dropped those two courses. This was a tough decision and even tougher to explain to my core support system of family and friends. I’ve missed out on credit hours that would have completed my degree sooner and I feel like I’m off to a bumpy start towards the next level of my educational goals. But, ultimately, the stress levels have lowered. I am seriously considering changing my major to a business degree and have a longer appointment with my academic advisor next week to create a comprehensive game plan for my remaining semesters. Having a written plan will also do wonders for my stress and motivation levels.
The second hard decision I have made is to stream line the activities I’m involved with outside of school to only include those that are gaining me real experience in my career field. I am making arrangement to end my involvement in a pilot project that I became involved with through my schooling at OTC. The direction the project is taking has changed and no longer meets my career evolvement needs. This was partially my “baby”, but I’m ready to turn it over to those that are more likely to benefit.
I believe in “signs” of sorts—messages or “kudos” from Jesus that I’m making the right choices and I’m getting some added help from Above. Almost instantaneously after making these tough decisions and beginning to tackle them, I got notice of an amazing job opening that has the potential to grow my professional skills in a way I could have never imagined. I’m tailoring my resume for submission and hope the opportunity is granted. This job has a large PR component to it, so I have to acknowledge Jesus for breathing new motivation into my life to quit smoking, ASAP!
The nicotine patch will be back on my arm tomorrow. My car is getting a professional cleaning and I’m going shopping for a new suit this week as I focus on going after this exciting job position. Stress levels are becoming manageable again and I will chart my progress as, once again, I take on my nicotine withdrawal this week!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Stress Monster
Is it the mid-semester crunch or am I failing to get a grip on my stress levels? Spring break has afforded me no reprieve as I feel like a “chicken running with its head cut off”. I was excited and motivated when I set out on my mission to quit smoking. Now, I’m afraid that motivation is slipping away as I juggle online courses (that has disregarded spring break due to lack of the school’s planning), related homework, deadlines, and other various objectives outside school. Right now, I’m “flying by the seat of pants” to juggle all that I need to get done every day. My mom’s visit this weekend was rushed and wound up not being as pleasant and relaxing as we both would have liked because I am absolutely stressed out!
I’m still searching for a way to build that “margin” into my life that I wrote about in my last blog. Smoking cessation experts say that a person should not choose a quit date during high peaks of stress because of the low success rate. I fall into that category, but I still want to quit? So, how do I get these extreme stress levels under control? And how do I even find the time to back up for a moment and evaluate my work overload? I’m treading water right now, ya’ll? I’m just tackling tasks as they’re thrown at me. Using mindfulness as the tactic to approaching my busy days seems to have gotten lost. Maybe this is just the life of a college student, but it’s freaking me out?!
I want to throw in the towel on trying to quit smoking because I see no end in sight. I’m feeling powerless and completely frustrated! This will be a short blog because I am on overload with no solutions and blogging about my nicotine monster is only adding to the frustrating failure. Let’s hope my next blog is more positive?
I’m still searching for a way to build that “margin” into my life that I wrote about in my last blog. Smoking cessation experts say that a person should not choose a quit date during high peaks of stress because of the low success rate. I fall into that category, but I still want to quit? So, how do I get these extreme stress levels under control? And how do I even find the time to back up for a moment and evaluate my work overload? I’m treading water right now, ya’ll? I’m just tackling tasks as they’re thrown at me. Using mindfulness as the tactic to approaching my busy days seems to have gotten lost. Maybe this is just the life of a college student, but it’s freaking me out?!
I want to throw in the towel on trying to quit smoking because I see no end in sight. I’m feeling powerless and completely frustrated! This will be a short blog because I am on overload with no solutions and blogging about my nicotine monster is only adding to the frustrating failure. Let’s hope my next blog is more positive?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Finding My "Breathing" Room
There is not much to report this week. I’m still smoking less than a half a pack a day. From my last blog, I chose to focus on this outcome as progress rather than a total defeat. And I gave myself some small rewards: a cup of frozen yogurt from TCBY, a membership to the YMCA, and I also started re-organizing my catch-all guest room into a meditation and workout room.
My mom is coming into town from St. Louis for a visit this weekend. I’m excited to see her and am going to take the weekend with her as an opportunity to limit my smoking even further. I know she’ll be a great cheerleader!
I think one culprit impeding my progress is my stress levels. I’ve been reading a great book called, Stress Less by Dr. Don Colbert. He offers practical tips on how to lower one’s stress levels through nutrition, proper sleep, exercise, and mindset. He sprinkles in various biblical scripture as it relates to his medical tips. It’s a mind, body, and spirit approach.
I get so caught up in the business of the life that I often find myself ignoring the impact that stress is having on my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I know I’m hitting stress overload when my body starts having itchiness all over with no source, such as dry skin or an allergic reaction to my laundry soap. And tons of lotion, drinking water, and hydrocortisone provide little relief. Over the last two weeks, my legs, arms, and back have started the “phantom” itching, so I know it’s time to pay attention to my stress levels.
One section of his book, “Building ‘Margin’ Into Your Life”, is of particular interest to me. Dr. Colbert states that a person has little or no margin in his or her life when the person has crammed too many obligations into his or her schedule. Consequently, this depletes a person’s energy to engage in the goals that really do matter to him or her. And, thus, stress rises. Reversely, building margin means evaluating my goals, re-prioritizing, and eliminating the tasks that really aren’t relevant to my objectives.
Stress is what keeps me smoking that remaining half pack of cigarettes. By taking the approach of building some more margin into my life (a difficult feat for my type A personality!), my hope is that I can lower my stress levels by creating “room” to breathe. This will be my mission as I do some inner reflection and get some insight this weekend from my favorite mentor—my mom!
My mom is coming into town from St. Louis for a visit this weekend. I’m excited to see her and am going to take the weekend with her as an opportunity to limit my smoking even further. I know she’ll be a great cheerleader!
I think one culprit impeding my progress is my stress levels. I’ve been reading a great book called, Stress Less by Dr. Don Colbert. He offers practical tips on how to lower one’s stress levels through nutrition, proper sleep, exercise, and mindset. He sprinkles in various biblical scripture as it relates to his medical tips. It’s a mind, body, and spirit approach.
I get so caught up in the business of the life that I often find myself ignoring the impact that stress is having on my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. I know I’m hitting stress overload when my body starts having itchiness all over with no source, such as dry skin or an allergic reaction to my laundry soap. And tons of lotion, drinking water, and hydrocortisone provide little relief. Over the last two weeks, my legs, arms, and back have started the “phantom” itching, so I know it’s time to pay attention to my stress levels.
One section of his book, “Building ‘Margin’ Into Your Life”, is of particular interest to me. Dr. Colbert states that a person has little or no margin in his or her life when the person has crammed too many obligations into his or her schedule. Consequently, this depletes a person’s energy to engage in the goals that really do matter to him or her. And, thus, stress rises. Reversely, building margin means evaluating my goals, re-prioritizing, and eliminating the tasks that really aren’t relevant to my objectives.
Stress is what keeps me smoking that remaining half pack of cigarettes. By taking the approach of building some more margin into my life (a difficult feat for my type A personality!), my hope is that I can lower my stress levels by creating “room” to breathe. This will be my mission as I do some inner reflection and get some insight this weekend from my favorite mentor—my mom!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Small Successes
As you know from my last blog, I hit a stumbling block last week. It’s out of my hands and will work out however it works out. I can’t put my energy and focus on it. I have too much in this life that I want to accomplish. So, I’m leaving it like Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big (ladies, you’ll know where I’m coming from with that!).
That being said, have I abstained from smoking? The answer is no. And I have been beating myself up over this answer for a week now. But, a good friend pointed something out to me that I refused to give myself credit for: the small successes.
I’m a perfectionist. And with major goals, I tend to be black and white, all or nothing. Always striving to do better and be better. And I will beat myself up when I fall short of my goal. Yet, as the same good friend points out, I often fail to appreciate the process.
So, that’s what I need to do. I need to acknowledge my accomplishments and recognize them for what they are...progress. For two years, I have only known life as a smoker. So, I need to look at my missteps, but focus more on my successes and appreciate them! So here they are:
- I have cutback, tremendously. I went from smoking over a pack a day to (as of yesterday) only having smoked 4 cigarettes. (Smoked more today only because I’m writing. Progress, none the less.)
- I have changed my routine and broken my hardest habit: the morning cigarette when I wake up.
- I have cut back on my caffeine (another trigger) to 1 cup of coffee or tea a day.
- I have abstained from the urge to smoke after a meal.
- I am currently laundering all my curtains, linens, etc. to limit where I can smoke.
I want to leave this week’s blog with the above list. Today, I will recognize my accomplishments. Today, I will appreciate my success and build on that!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Setback
I believe this particular blog will turn out to be darker than I had wanted to report, but I have attempted to keep my writing raw to remain useful to others. And I will attempt to remain within that framework...
Friends got me spooked on how grouchy I was probably going to be, so I decided to up my patch to the highest nicotine level—realizing, that it may be best for me to go at a slower pace and wean myself from the nicotine over a longer period of time (30-day, gradual step down). I quit smoking on Thursday and did well—chewed gum, Twizzler Pull-and-Peels, and hard candies—stayed busy, rested when time allowed and got through the day. Friday was the same way. However, I noticed the frequency of the cravings as more apparent. But, again, I stayed busy, rested when I could, and chewed lots of gum between my deep breathing.
Day 3 of not smoking became my emotional turning point. Without going into the humiliatingly, sordid details, my boyfriend of 9 months this time (2 years total) and I broke up. No way to repair it. Just over. Now, I was prepared for how to watch TV without smoking and how to gab on the phone without smoking and even how to do my nails without smoking. But, I wasn’t prepared for how to cope with losing my best friend. So, since late Saturday night and up to now, my week has been sprinkled with cigarettes.
After the day-long tears of Sunday wore off—temporarily ceased by a pedicure, pick-me-up, afternoon with girlfriends—I went Monday and Tuesday without smoking. I stayed a strong, determined woman and coped by keeping myself busy and not giving in to the reality of what I had just lost two days prior. But, then, in finally doing some heart to heart talking with my closest girlfriend about what had taken place that weekend, I left her house Tuesday night and bought a pack of cigarettes.
How do women do it? How do they move forward? I want to throw myself in bed and hide under the covers forever. I’m smoking because I don’t know what else to do? He and I are both at fault here, but the reality is that our relationship is unrecoverable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. I’m exhausted and I’m single again. I’m offering my suggestions on how I quit smoking, but I’m wondering from my readers, how do I get myself out of bed and look forward to a new day? There’s a deep, dark void. And I feel like a shell of myself right now.
Tomorrow, I’m going to dust myself off the best I can. Put on another patch. Cry privately when I need to do so. And pray that I heal quickly and that there’s a reason for everything. That’s all I know to do because there’s no instruction manual I’m aware of to cope with this loss, especially while trying to quit smoking?
Friends got me spooked on how grouchy I was probably going to be, so I decided to up my patch to the highest nicotine level—realizing, that it may be best for me to go at a slower pace and wean myself from the nicotine over a longer period of time (30-day, gradual step down). I quit smoking on Thursday and did well—chewed gum, Twizzler Pull-and-Peels, and hard candies—stayed busy, rested when time allowed and got through the day. Friday was the same way. However, I noticed the frequency of the cravings as more apparent. But, again, I stayed busy, rested when I could, and chewed lots of gum between my deep breathing.
Day 3 of not smoking became my emotional turning point. Without going into the humiliatingly, sordid details, my boyfriend of 9 months this time (2 years total) and I broke up. No way to repair it. Just over. Now, I was prepared for how to watch TV without smoking and how to gab on the phone without smoking and even how to do my nails without smoking. But, I wasn’t prepared for how to cope with losing my best friend. So, since late Saturday night and up to now, my week has been sprinkled with cigarettes.
After the day-long tears of Sunday wore off—temporarily ceased by a pedicure, pick-me-up, afternoon with girlfriends—I went Monday and Tuesday without smoking. I stayed a strong, determined woman and coped by keeping myself busy and not giving in to the reality of what I had just lost two days prior. But, then, in finally doing some heart to heart talking with my closest girlfriend about what had taken place that weekend, I left her house Tuesday night and bought a pack of cigarettes.
How do women do it? How do they move forward? I want to throw myself in bed and hide under the covers forever. I’m smoking because I don’t know what else to do? He and I are both at fault here, but the reality is that our relationship is unrecoverable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. I’m exhausted and I’m single again. I’m offering my suggestions on how I quit smoking, but I’m wondering from my readers, how do I get myself out of bed and look forward to a new day? There’s a deep, dark void. And I feel like a shell of myself right now.
Tomorrow, I’m going to dust myself off the best I can. Put on another patch. Cry privately when I need to do so. And pray that I heal quickly and that there’s a reason for everything. That’s all I know to do because there’s no instruction manual I’m aware of to cope with this loss, especially while trying to quit smoking?
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